Tag Archives: dating

The 6 Things I Did Wrong in Dating

You meet someone, and they have you caught up in shock cause they are just “fione.” They smell good, they feel good, and they make you feel good. The first date has you feeling intoxicated, the sex leaves you having flashbacks at your day job. Everything seems like it’s going great, you’re on cloud nine. Flash forward, and you’re sobbing into your pillow wondering how the hell you got here. What did you miss? How do you go from feeling so amazed by a person to absolutely crushed by the reality of who they are? I’ve had this scenario play out far too many times than I’m proud to admit. As I transform in the Woman I want to be I think it’s important to grow from your mistakes, so here are the 6 things I did wrong in Dating:

  • I dated people who liked me, not valued me

I think it’s easy to get caught up. To be infatuated by how easy it is to laugh with someone, and how magical it feels to fit into the small parts of their bodies. It’s so easy to feel like when someone likes you, and if you like them back then that’s special. But the feeling of liking and being liked is so fleeting. It’s sorta like music, sometimes we are ALL about “I Like it” by Cardi B, but then BAM, “Chun-Li” by Nicki Minaj comes on. It’s very possible that songs (and people) will always have a special place in our heart, but the songs (and people) we hold onto are the ones we truly value. Michael Jackson’s “Remember the Time” and Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” will always be classics. When you date someone I’ve learned you should keep dating them, don’t commit, at least not until you’re a classic in their book.

  • I was way too passive

I can definitely recall a significant amount of times when I’ve had sex with people when I didn’t really feel into it (completely consensual), and I agreed to committment when in the back of my head I was not ready. I think I chose more of a back seat role because I lacked faith in my ability to be right. I’d trust everyone else’s intuition instead of trusting my own. I think in a lot of relationships I compromise my beliefs and values because they deviate from the norm. I think I know exactly what I want in a person, good looking, funny, respectful, a thoughtful, and opened minded person. I wanted someone who was experimental in the bedroom, someone who was open to trying things like polyamory. Someone who got me. I think I passively accepted that my ideas and wants were “out there,” so instead of staying true to myself I fit into the box that others wanted me to fit into.

  • I didn’t believe people when they told me who they were

When I was younger someone once told me “Boys will tell you EXACTLY how they will hurt you before they hurt you, you just have to listen for it.” I can definitely say that most guys I’ve dated have probably alluded to being called “assholes” or hinted to having issues they were trying to get over. I think when you like someone it’s REALLY easy to take passive hints, put them in a suitcase in the back of your mind, and never revisit them until AFTER you get hurt. But follow me for a second, after a relationship we all kinda have an idea of where we went wrong. After being in numerous relationships we have an idea of our pattern/toxic behaviors. Maybe out of guilt some people will drop passive hints to suggest what they’ll end up doing to you, but I think it’s very important to pay close attention to how people describe their past behaviors in relationships (not just romantic).

  • I believed that their exes were “crazy”

Look Y’all, I do believe that some people really do be doing the ABSOLUTE most. That being said, you have to ask yourself two important questions: Why is this person crazy and Why did they date this crazy person? We all seek out people for a reason, and sometimes it isn’t because we ourselves are abusive (but sometimes it is). What my ex’s ex taught me was, people who have issues with themselves may go after people who make them feel better about themselves. Examples can be if someone feels like they are scared of being left they may seek out people who they feel like have abandonment issues. If a person has issues validating themselves they may seek out the person who tells them all the right things. But just because those people sought out individuals to fill their needs doesn’t mean they have any intention to fulfill the needs of the other person. In extreme situations, the person won’t just be selfish, but they could become manipulative and take their insecurities and fears out on you.

  • I normalized red flags

“Oh my gosh, I didn’t see it coming.” Ok sis, but like, really? Maybe it’s just me but I have issues trusting my intuition. I’ve definitely heard some OFF the wall shit, and then I normalized it. “If you cheat on me I’ll kill you” is an OBVIOUS red flag that I’m ashamed to admit I normalized. The amount of times I’ve had a man say that to me is bothersome, not because I believed they’d do it, but because that red flag means that they don’t value me. First off, why would someone assume without reason that I would cheat (projection much?). Secondly, why would someone think that they are entitled to end my life because I hurt their feelings?  A less extreme example is someone who doesn’t like any of my friends. Please feel free to argue me on this, but I feel like my friends are my friends for a reason. If someone dislikes all of my friends either I seriously have issues, and/or they don’t actually like me. Moral of the story, trust your gut.

  • I saw myself as regular

I spent my entire life internalizing the expression “you have to work twice as hard as them to get half of what they got, and if you’re a Black woman you gotta work even harder.” Whenever I would have high achievements they were always brushed off as things that I was SUPPOSED to do. Perhaps I just wanted to be humble, but I really ended up under-valuing myself. I am an intelligent Black Women, with two degrees, a great career, and I’m a cutie to boot. No these things do not define me, but they tell a story of a woman who has defied odds to make her dreams come true. I am not “regular.” I actively try to go above and beyond to better my mind, body, and spirit. Yes, a person may choose to date me, but not because I am “lucky.” No, I walked through the door worthy and deserving of respect and quality. I do believe so long as you exist, regardless of your level of privilege or background, that you are deserving of kindness and respect.

 

Now I have A LOT more to learn, and maybe I have a few more frogs to kiss (ew). But I hope that this list of some of the mistakes I made during dating helps Y’all. I’d love to hear back from you all, so please leave a comment letting me know what you’ve learned from dating/relationships!

Damn, I’m a Pick-Me Ass Bitch

A “Pick Me Ass Bitch,” by definition is the “woman” who tries too hard to be liked (Men can be pick-mes, but this ain’t for them right now). She will compromise her independence, her self-esteem, and her self-respect for the opportunity to be chosen. Some examples of Pick-Mes are Phylicia Rashad, in the case of defending Bill Cosby’s rapist ass, and Erykah Badu arguing that Teenage girls need to ‘cover up’ so as not to distract male teachers. “Pick Mes” are women who are conditioned to internalize misogyny and changes their behavior to fit the narratives of a sexist society. Growing up in the rural South, I was surrounded by religious propaganda that conditioned me to internalize self-hate. Statements like “Don’t be easy” and “Boys don’t want a woman who has been used” were the main motivation for me wanting to be a virgin till marriage. I felt as though that’s how I would gain a man who respected me, by being “worthy” of “respect.”

Then I was raped… I found that living in a world where I internalized misogyny became difficult for me; how was I supposed to heal when in the back of my head, I felt as though my value had decreased. On one hand, I believed it wasn’t my fault, I was completely covered up, I wasn’t a “whore.” But in the back of my head I remembered the details, I had “no business being intoxicated,” why was I even at a boy’s home? I faced a rude awakening that existing as a woman, as my own woman, meant existing outside of other people’s expectations of me.

Now as a grown ass woman living in New York, surrounded by people who are “sex-positive,” I feel as though I am still unpacking my pick-me ways. Yes, my environment has changed, the narrative has changed, but I still found myself performing the same song & dance. For most of my life, I’ve had issues with my self-esteem, and finding “self-validation.” For as long as I could remember I would talk to my friends about every single thought, feeling, emotion, and response. I’d look at them as my stamp of approval, the people to prove I wasn’t crazy. When I dated men, I tried so hard to not fit into the “crazy” or “jaded” archetype.

In my last relationship, I think I went in with the subconscious thought that it was my job to compromise who I was. I had committed to him, so I had to be comfortable with the fact that he wasn’t comfortable with me showing too much flesh. I had made a commitment to him, so I get why he wouldn’t want me to be friends with males I’ve had sex with. He was my man, so I had to be understanding of why he was uncomfortable with my sex worker past. I felt like I owed him countless explanations, I owed him undeserved vulnerability, and that I owed it to him to shrink myself. But damn Y’all, I gave that man an inch and he took a WHOLE mile. When I cut my hair, he told me I looked like a man and expressed an issue with the fact that I didn’t “consult” him first. When I had sex with someone else after he broke up with me, he expressed he didn’t understand how I could be so ‘easy’ if I had been raped. The micromanagement only increased over time, and I was punished for standing up for myself or confiding in my friends and family.

Now, I’m at a very similar place as I was when I was 18, trying to figure out how to heal. After I left him I internalize his messages: “Good luck finding someone that will deal with you.” He made me feel like because of who I am and who I was that I had something to be ashamed of. The next guy I dated I found myself trying to do everything to appease him. He was surprised when I wore a crop top, so I changed it (even though he said it was fine). I kept my past hidden from him, “He doesn’t need to know the ‘dirty’ parts of you that made you who you are.” Eventually, when it came time to commit, I truly don’t think I was ready. But so many of my friends seemed happy with him, and I figured that I was stupid for dating so many “bad guys” that why shouldn’t I give a “nice guy” a chance? Then very shortly after he asked me for a relationship, he ghosted me. Immediately I blamed myself. I figured it was because of the times I was too annoying, too affectionate, too attentive, too me.

I felt destroyed, I felt like my ex was right. I wasn’t able to keep him, and I wasn’t able to keep the next guy. I didn’t begin to snap out of my funk until I realized that it’s really hard to mess up the “right thing.” That no guy who REALLY likes you sits at home and thinks: “Damn, shawty type bad and I deadass like her, but, she was too affectionate, so I ghosted.” Maybe men don’t prefer the affectionate type, but a person who is invested in and values you won’t just ghost you. Once I accepted that I realized that being ghosted hurt not because I really liked him, but because just like he was probably using me to validate himself, I was doing the same. I allowed myself to commit when I wasn’t ready and almost agreed to a situation I felt tricked into (that’s another story) because I was seeking validation that I could keep a man. I wanted to feel worthy, and I wanted to believe that I was able to pick a “good guy.”

Y’all, just like 18-year-old Monisha had to do, 23-year old Monisha is working to undo her pick-me programming. Very shortly after I was raped, a man told me that if I had a dominant man in my life that I probably wouldn’t have been in that situation. I don’t think I’ve talked about how I internalized that things that happened to me were my fault. I don’t think I’ve owned up to the fact that in some cases I date men who are more “traditional” because I lack the self-esteem to combat my internal feelings of incompetence. I think I still have a lot of “pick-me” in me because I’m scared Y’all. I’m scared of being alone, I’m scared that I won’t have to protect myself, I’m scared that I’ll always have to be a “Strong Black Woman.”
When I have daughters, I hope I can raise them to have more faith in themselves than I did. Cause nothing for nothing, I don’t want to raise daughters, I need to raise women. I need to raise girls who don’t internalize that they are incapable of being their own person, I need to raise myself to internalize that I am cable of being my own person. It’s a process, I am healing, I am transforming.

Why Monogamy?

As of lately the concept of monogamy has been making me feel extremely uncomfortable. The thought of “belonging” to someone just doesn’t sound as romantic as it used to. The feeling of “jealous” never hit me in the way that it hits others, but now I don’t even want to have anything to do with it. I don’t have a fear of commitment, and I definitely still imagine what my wedding day will look like (Vera Wang can I get a discount or nah?). But the idea that there’s only one right way to have a romantic relationship with someone seems a bit outdated to me. It’s worth mentioning that I’m still pretty knee high to a grasshopper in regards to my years of dating experience, however I hope that my perspective can at the very least start a conversation.

All of my relationships have been monogamous, not necessarily because I wanted it (I was indifferent). In those relationships one of the major issues that I have encountered was the inability to adapt to change and find balance (this is on both sides). Two of my most serious relationships were abusive (the first and the most recent), and the two in the middle I acknowledge I either hold a significant amount of fault. The two abusive relationships were riddled with jealousy and insecurity, I was constantly being punished for the following reasons:

  • If I went out with my friends (to a bar or a club)
  • If I posted on social media
  • Having an instagram
  • Having male friends
  • Etc.

Now, I don’t blame monogamy for those relationships failing (those men were the problem not monogamy). But I can’t help but notice insecurity and jealousy being reoccurring issues, regardless of if the relationship was toxic or not. Moving into my healthier relationships with men, I chalk a lot of the issues up with my immaturity. I was expressive about my concerns and I was really honest, however I should have left when I realized I wasn’t satisfied (we live and we learn). Towards the end of those relationships Polyamory was attempted (and failed), but it did teach me that I was capable of caring about multiple people at once.

My only healthy experiences with Polyamory have been while I am dating around, because I don’t date just one person until it’s verbally agreed upon to enter a relationship. Before I get into a relationship I find that dating for me is fine for both parties, and the concept of monogamy is something that ends up freaking me out rather than exciting me. I’ve found that once monogamy happens people’s expectations change along with their motivation. You begin to “belong” to someone, they begin to act as those they are entitled to authority over your life. Slowly we all regress into childlike states, and basically become like toddlers in relationships. I think we start to objectify our partners unknowingly, and our expectations become unrealistic. Some of us want unreasonable amounts of time, unfair amounts of physical touch, unrealistic acts of service.

Sometimes I become so nostalgic of the point before monogamy happened. I spent more time focused on impressing the person and bonding with them. Knowing that I wasn’t owed their time and accepted that I might not have all of them didn’t bother me. I found it complimentary that they found me significant to see on a recurring basis (even though there’s the rest of the world). Before monogamy kicked in I felt as though the expectations were fair, and requirements of time were responsible. Before monogamy interactions felt fluid, they’d adapt and change as needed. Which isn’t to say Polyamory is a-ok either, there are definitely people who masquerade as “poly” when in reality they are just non-monogamous. But what I’ve found in a lot of my poly friends is there are many more conversations, there’s a lot more questions, and there’s a bit more compromise.

I’m not really sure if Polyamory is any better than monogamy, I guess I’ll write about it if I ever try it. But I do think we have to begin having more fair conversations about what works and what doesn’t work in relationships. Times are changing, and so are our situations. I don’t think monogamy is for everyone, just like I don’t think being polygamous is our final solution. I do think that in order for us to drop the 40-50% divorce rate in America, we have to be open to change.

When You Want To Leave, But You Just Can’t Let Go

If you sit at your desk and constantly imagine a world without them, is it really a redeeming factor that you don’t want to think of life without them? Or is it saddening that you’re too distracted with thoughts of what happiness could look that you can’t focus on work; you have these thoughts regularly. 

When you’re constantly feeling beaten down by friends who call you stupid for staying, or tell you that you deserve much better. When you constantly want to spend time alone or disassociate when you listen to people speak. It’s not that you don’t care what they have to say, it’s that you’re constantly beating yourself up inside already.

When you try to look for reasons why you stay, and the fact that you can’t think of any leaves you feeling low. When there are a thousand reasons why you should leave, and you can’t find a single reason other than “I love them” to stay. As if you even felt confident saying the word love; I’d like to believe that love feels better than this.

When your body is falling apart, when stress manifests itself inside and outside of you, when the very thought of what you’re in can ultimately suck the life from you. How do you find the energy to leave if you already feel so beaten down? How do you find the esteem to love yourself?

I’ve never been good at breaking up, I think I’ve just grown accustomed to trying to fight for things until they no longer want to fight for me. I’m used to comprising and bargaining until acceptance flashes across their faces. I’m used to being left, and I think being in that position has left me feeling incapable (and unwilling) to let go. I like to imagine the best in people, I like to imagine that in the end love trumps all. It’s not that I believe that there’s only one love out there for me, rather it’s that when I love someone they are that one for me.

That’s the complicated part about feelings, though. To you, someone could mean the world, moon, and stars. They could be the person you want to start your day seeing, and the person who you feel like you need to end your nights with. They could be the one who you imagine seeing the world with, saying “I do” with, and ultimately having a family with. That’s the complicated part about feelings though; those are just your feelings.

Not that they haven’t felt feelings similar to yours, but I can promise you, they’ll never be identical. They won’t fall for you exactly when you fall for them, not the exact second (and rarely ever the same way). I think love often looks like two ships passing each other in the sea, sometimes we cross paths, and sometimes we just don’t. So what do you do when you want to leave? When there’s nothing more for you at the shore? When every time you pass by the same ship, cannons are flying, you are falling?

Maybe, it’s time for you to try a new means of transportation.

When Things Get “Complicated.”

I would hold onto my favorite romance movies, and use google as my personal bible. I can tell you exactly what oxytocin is, how it works on your body, and exactly when I am feeling it. I write down poems about ex-lovers, like prisoners writing down thoughts. I feel trapped by the concept of love; why can’t I attain it? Why do I forgive people who won’t forgive me? Why do I love people who replay my mistakes like broken records? As if I was the only one with the aux cord, as if I were the only one picking out the mixtape songs. Love is an undefinable concept, one that I have spent too many hours trying to define and understand.

I wish I had some profound thought to give you all, or some answer to the exact scenario that you’re experiencing. I don’t know if what you did was forgivable or if they really have broken up with you for good. I can only hope for the best for you, and hope that you receive the outcome you were intended to have. But isn’t that the sucky thing about people? We don’t know anything for sure (or at least I don’t). Our lives, our decisions, our moves are all based on assumptions on past outcomes. But every situation is unique, right? Or maybe we are all playing the same sad love song on a broken record, hoping that maybe this time around the record won’t ski—-

I have no answers for you or any solutions. But what I can leave you with is a little advice I’ve learned from failed relationships:

1. It’s cliche, but try to enjoy the moment.

As to where my relationships didn’t always work out, when they were working, that’s what mattered. There’s no promise as to what’s going to happen, or what’s not going to happen. There will be people you meet that you fall head over heels for, and then somehow you’re left picking up your shoes from their place. But I want you to focus on before that happens. Focus on the way their teeth line up whenever you see them smile or the wrinkles that crease up on their face when they speak. Capture every “I love you” and “I miss you” on pieces of paper, and keep them in a jar for safe keeping. Take a deep breath during the fights, hold your tongue, and think about the next thing you’re going to say. If all else goes bad, go to your safe space, reach for the jar, and remember how many times someone saw something beautiful in you.

2. Find a balance between happily alone and happily together.

Some of us are naturally introverted, and others are naturally extroverted. There’s nothing wrong with that, and we shouldn’t try to force people to be things that they aren’t. But what we should do is challenge ourselves to push outside of what’s “comfortable” for us. When you’re in a relationship, it isn’t about just keeping yourself safe, or making sure you’re the most comfortable. There will be times when your partner needs you to break out of your habits, and it probably will be best to make that sacrifice for them. At the end of the day, we just want to feel special, and doing something you don’t normally do could be what makes that person feel that way.

3. Love is not a competition, focus on winning each other.

Sometimes in love, we compare and contrast. After hurt and heartbreak, mistakes get thrown around like snowballs in the middle of December. That’s normal, we are human, and whatever we are feeling is real. But love isn’t about drowning each other in frozen water, love isn’t about doing things to make each other sick. In any relationship, may it be with family, friends, or your significant other, hurt is inevitable. There are things I’ve done and said to my mother that I wish I could take back, as I’m sure she feels the same. I’d never bring those things up in future encounters with her, because to me, there’s no point. When we inflict hurt onto our loved ones, we are not directly impacted by that pain, but cold words still send chills through us. We are forced to sit with the reality that they might not trust us anymore, or they may think they we love them less. But that’s not true, life is never that simple.

4. Breaks aren’t always breakups.

So many people have accepted this notion that breaks are breakups. Not that I don’t understand it, it’s easier to just accept something is over than to have hope. Sometimes, breaks are just easier to have, easier to leave from, easier to accept. But there are occasions when we are in relationships and everything just starts getting overwhelming. Little fights become monstrous, and answers standing right in front of us can be seen past the cloud of smoke. In those occasions, I think it’s perfectly fine to accept the thought “If it was meant to be, it will be.” I think it’s perfectly fine to accept that sometimes some wounds need a little inaction so they have time to heal, time to breathe, time to be. I don’t know exactly what a break should look like for you, but don’t we all just need one every once and awhile?

5. Be patient, give it time.

I have to be the most impatient person in the entire world, really? I used to watch the clock at school, now I watch the clock at work. I’d spend so much watching the clock that it felt like time was moving backward, and by the time it was actually time to leave, I didn’t have anything positive to show for it. Now at work when there isn’t anything to do, I draw, and I’m pretty decent at it. When I am in my room and I wish I had something to do, I just listen to music and sing to myself. In a relationship, you’ll have to learn patience. You have to learn how to play the waiting game. But instead of sitting and waiting for answers, why not fill the time with something else? I promise it’ll make everything go by a lot faster.

I wish I had more inspiring words to give you. Or a solve all book that you’d only pay $9.99 to read. But I will neither pretend to know your problems nor can I pretend to understand what you’re going through. But that’s okay. My biology professor once wrote in our textbook that, “We as humans try so hard to make sense of the world around us, so we label and categorize everything in order to understand it.” When we understand things, we may start to feel like they are less scary, like we have some control over them. If I’ve learned anything from love, it’s that we have to start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. We have to stop using labels to find security, and categorizing actions to reach understanding. People are not, have not, and will not be simple. So stop seeking simple answers, and treating situations like they can be generalized.

We are individuals, our love is personalized for us. Treat it that way.

The Unedited Truth About What It’s Like To Date While Dealing With Mental Illness

For the longest time, I was under the assumption that I couldn’t have a healthy relationship, and trust, I’ve tried. Years of therapy, constantly trying to assess my flaws. I would try so desperately to find happiness and fulfillment in relationship, but it simply wouldn’t work. To that point, I was so desperate for love. Constantly searching for it, I can bet that in my week I would have more dates than you would in a month. The worst part was, I identified the vicious cycle I allowed myself to be a part of. “I feel lonely, I’ll go out with this guy, Oh meaningless sex? I guess… This makes me feel dead inside. Why did I do that? I hate myself. I want to be alone. I feel lonely, I’ll go out with this guy.” I hated myself, because the worst part of it all was knowing that I was only hurting myself. I felt envy for my friends who were in successful relationships, why couldn’t I have that? But who did I envy more? It was my friends who could be alone, who didn’t feel like they needed a relationship.

When I was able to get a guy to like me for long enough that he would keep seeing me, it seems like I got worse. They wouldn’t understand my anxiety, they didn’t understand the anxiety attacks or the constant fight I would undergo just to smile on a regular. They didn’t understand the depression, why I would lay in bed for hours and block out all the sunlight. They couldn’t feel empathy for what I was going through, and then it ended. I don’t even think I gave myself a fair amount of time to heal, to cope with the abandonment i would reach out to other people. I started seeing everyone as replaceable, it didn’t make me feel better though. Eventually I met a boy who also had a mental illness, like me.

When I had anxiety attacks, he’d get down on the floor and sit with me until I felt better. When I would push him away, he stayed. When I’d cry, he almost instinctively knows what to do to make me feel better. I finally felt understood, and I think I latched onto him for that reason. One day I received a message that we were over, for no fault of my own, but because he needed to tend to his mental health.

I don’t know what it was about him, but that pushed me to a really bad place. Anxiety attacks, depression, mood swings. I don’t know how he could put me into that scary place, when no other person could, but that’s what happened. I tried so desperately to hold onto him, I think to this day I may still be fighting to do so. But what come from that was an awaking, he made me realize that we weren’t ok.I wasn’t ok, and the path I was walking was guided by loneliness and not love. After working with my mentor and psychologist, I started to accept that I am a deeply traumatized individual. I began to accept and realize how my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder impacts every aspect of my life. I get panic attacks when I make mistakes at work, I am scared of being alone because of a fear of being abandoned, I dissociate during sex because I don’t think I always want to be there. My psychologist set up an appointment to see a psychiatrist, who I ended up dumping everything out to. I’ll admit, I wasn’t optimistic about medication. In my mind, it couldn’t take the trauma away, only numb it.

But, at this point I was willing to try anything, my mental health was declining and I was starting to fear for myself.

I was prescribed Zoloft, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), which basically helps my brain by increasing serotonin levels. Serotonin is the chemical in our brain that helps us maintain our mood. Too much serotonin isn’t a good thing, but it turns out my brain has too little serotonin which more often than not results in depression. I think sometimes we forget that mental illness impacts our brain, it is an invisible disability that impacts every single aspect of our lives. The lonely feelings started to go away after medication, which in turn resulted in a decrease of my dates. I deleted my tinder and bumble, now I am a lot pickier with who I go out with. I don’t have sex as much anymore, and when I have it’s been amazing because it’s not driven by the desire to have someone there (I actually want to be there now). I feel like I can function like a person who isn’t crippled by mental illness, and that has been liberating for me.

I by no means am suggesting that everyone start medication, that’s between you and your doctor. But what I am suggesting is this:

Those with mental illness, I hear you. It hurts, and sometimes the worst part is that we can’t imagine a life outside of this. But we deserve so much more than the uncomfortable reality that we are faced with, and we deserve to get to a better place with help. If you are able to, I hope you would seek that help rather than stay in situations that no longer serve you. Please be honest with yourself.

To those who process information differently than us (me), please use empathy. Please sit down with us when we are scared, please stop using your brain processes to shame mine. Please understand that sometimes my decisions are influenced by imbalances in my mind, and more often than not I don’t know how to fight the demons I am faced with. Please go outside of yourself.